What I Learned in Couples Counseling Class (This Changed My Marriage)

If you knew me in my early twenties, then you knew I was the epitome of being in an unstable relationship pretty much all of the time. I am not joking when I say that every guy I dated cheated on me, was abusive (emotionally or physically) or was simply downright insane. I can’t blame just them, though. Back then I expected them to know my every want and need without having to say a word, I drank all of the time, was on anxiety medication and hormonal birth control. Basically, I was a mess.

When I was working toward my master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling in my late 20’s, I took a class on couples counseling that I thought would be more "theoretical" than personal. I was wrong. What I learned in that class not only helped shape how I would eventually work with clients, but it also transformed my own marriage. As many of you know, my relationship with my husband escalated really quickly. We lived together after a month. We got engaged four months later. Then, we got married a month after our engagement. It’s easy to get caught up in the butterflies of new dating life, but reality will always set in!

Strong, healthy relationships are foundational to overall wellness. When your relationship is thriving, it ripples into your emotional, mental, and even physical health. So today, I’m sharing a few powerful lessons I learned that I think every couple should know.

*This post may contain affiliate links. This means I may earn a commission, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase using these links. I only recommend products I love and trust. To see our full disclosure, click here. Please note that this is not medical or mental health advice.

1. Your Partner Can't Read Your Mind

This sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we assume our partner should know what we need, how we feel, or what we expect. I used to get quietly frustrated when my husband didn’t respond a certain way—even though I never actually communicated what I needed. One of the biggest lessons I took from that class is that clear, direct, and kind communication is the foundation of emotional safety. No assumptions. Just honest sharing.

You need to tell your partner what you’re needing or wanting from them. If I need time to myself, I don’t wait on my husband to pick up on my negative mood and grab the kids to give me space, I ask for it. That way I get what my mental health needs in that moment and I don’t end up resenting my husband for not picking up on subtle cues that most women think men should.

2. Think of Your Relationship Like a Piggy Bank

This analogy stuck with me: every positive interaction (a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, a moment of connection) is like putting coins in your relationship piggy bank. Maybe each positive moment is worth 1 coin. But a negative interaction—a harsh word, an eye roll, a moment of disconnection—can withdraw 5 coins. The lesson? You need consistent positive deposits to keep your relationship emotionally wealthy. Waiting for "big romantic gestures" isn’t enough. It's the daily moments that matter.

I am sure you’ve heard of the 5 Love Languages- what fills my cup may not fill your cup (for instance, I hate words of affirmation- I already know I am pretty cool, I don’t need my husband to tell me lol). However, it’s important for your partner to know what fills yours. I fell in love with my husband so rapidly because he is consistently fulfilling my Love Language of Acts of Service. I love when he does things for me without me even having to ask. This is a double edged sword, though, because it’s important that you make sure you’re with someone who is willing/wants to fulfill your love language.

3. The More Distressed the Couple, the Worse the Communication

I learned that couples in distress often fall into patterns of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (shoutout to Gottman’s Four Horsemen!). These behaviors destroy connection and make it harder to resolve conflict. The most important thing a couple can do when tension rises is to hit pause, regulate themselves, and come back to the conversation when they can do so calmly. Good communication doesn’t mean never arguing—it means knowing how to reconnect after disconnection.

4. Being on the Same Page Matters

One of the most powerful ways to strengthen your relationship is to align on core values and life decisions. That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything—but having shared views on major areas like how to raise kids, health philosophies, financial goals, and even political or spiritual beliefs can reduce long-term conflict and foster a deeper sense of partnership. One of the most important things I recognized in my husband before we got married was that we were on the same page- he was open to my “crazy” health stuff, me birthing our future babies in our bedroom, and raising our kids without certain medical interventions. These things were important to me and things I would have really struggled with within my marriage if we were not on the same page.

When you’re moving in the same direction, it’s easier to support one another and work as a team. And when you do disagree, mutual respect and curiosity go a long way. Being on the same page ensures you’re not having to lie to each other or holding deep resentments for one another.

Final Thoughts

I grew up without a great example of a functional, loving marriage. I wanted the exact opposite of whatever that was. In fact, it was this example that inspired me to have the relationship I have now- one with deep love and understanding. I truly married my best friend, which I didn’t think was possible. If there’s one thing I know from both my education and my own life, it’s that relationships take intentional effort—but the reward is a deep, nourishing bond that supports every area of your well-being. Whether you’re in a hard season or a great one, these truths can help you build a love that lasts.

If you’re interested in improving your health and wellness with more than just your relationship, check out my blog posts here or scroll down!

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